Caged
by TheLadyLeFay
Summary: Just a short story about what is going threw morgana's mind. Takes place in season 3 after Goblin's Gold but before the Crystal Cave.


Caged

Morgana stared at the vast sees of faces in front of her not really seeing anything that was going on. She wasn't supposed to be here. This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

She had spent a year free, living each day without the fear that if Uther knew who she really was he would have her killed. Whenever Morgause had mentioned her returning back to Camelot to destroy Uther she had refused, afraid that if she returned she would never be able to leave again. But the things she had seen over the year, and her memories of the crimes Uther had performed haunted her, and eventually she agreed to Morgause's plan.

But the plan hadn't worked. Everything had been working just as Morgause has predicted: Uther was screaming like a frightened child and having visions of his deepest fears, Cenred's army was marching on Camelot, and she had been prepared to call forth the skeleton army.

And then Merlin had followed her. What was it that made him so loyal to Arthur and Camelot? She had thought she had finally gotten her revenge on Merlin poisoning her when she had left him with Morgause. Yet somehow he had survived and returned to Camelot.

Well she had thought it wouldn't matter. She could still call forth the skeleton army and destroy Camelot. She remembered the feel of power as she had stuck the staff in the stone and watched as the light shot through the room. Yet Merlin had showed up again begging her not to do this. He couldn't understand what it was like to have magic! To live everyday with Uther viewing her as a monster and having to live in fear of the day she would be killed. She didn't have a choice!

Somehow Merlin had beaten her, and she didn't think it was by chance that the ceiling had fallen on her at that moment. There was something about Merlin; she just couldn't put her finger on it yet.

So now here she was. Once again locked inside Camelot. Morgause had sworn she wouldn't have to live this lie again for much longer, and yet here she was as if the year had changed nothing. Except now she couldn't bear to live in her cage any more.

She looked at the faces of the ones she had used to call family.

Uther was sitting next to her, his chin on his hand. He wore his power like a cloak, and it was especially here in the thrown room that she remembered how with one word he could kill her. He sensed her looking at him and turned his head for a moment to give her a besotted smile. She automatically gave a sweet smile back, her lie so drilled in her that she didn't even have to think about it. When Uther turned back to the man in front of him she let her smile fall. Ever since that day she had returned to Camelot, Uther had worshipped her. Whenever she was in the room he turned to smile at her and make sure she was still there, that she hadn't disappeared again. Yet he was so easily fooled. All she had to do was smile and hold her hand and he believed that she was still his precious little ward. He was like a puppet on a string, and she was the puppet master just waiting for the right time to pull.

She glanced around the room and her eyes fell on Gaius, standing calmly in the corner. She heard the words he had spoken to her the other day in her mind, "I can see deep into your heart, it is cold, cold as stone. You may be Uther's loving ward, you play it so well you fool him, but you don't fool me. You would see Uther dead and Camelot destroyed." She shivered at the memory. Gaius had seemed so strange then, but he hadn't said anything since that day. But then again that week had been strange enough. She didn't care about Gaius. All those years she had run to him for help. As a child she had come to him in the middle of the night telling him of the nightmares that had woken her. But when she realized he would do nothing but give her sleeping draughts she had stopped coming unless it was desperate, and near the end she had gotten the feeling that Gaius was hiding something from her. "There is evil in your heart," he had said. Of everything that had hurt the most. She wasn't evil, Uther was evil. Just because she had magic didn't mean she was evil. But she worried that she truly was becoming evil. She wasn't just destroying Uther; she was destroying all that she had loved.

She sensed Guinevere standing near her and moved her eyes to slightly examine her old friend. Of all that she was destroying, she felt the worst about Guinevere. When she had arrived in Camelot Uther had no idea what to do with her and it was only after she became friends with Guinevere that she felt truly at home. Over the years Guinevere had run in on countless nights when she had woken up screaming due to her nightmares. Near the end she hadn't been able to tell Guinevere. Guinevere was kind and perfect. She would have never understood what it was like to live in fear of being a monster. She knew better now, that having magic didn't make her a monster, but she knew Guinevere would still never understand. And besides, Guinevere had been so wrapped up in her own world that she hadn't even noticed Morgana drifting further and further away. When she had arrived back in Camelot she had looked forward to seeing her old friend again, the one bright side in returning. But around Guinevere she felt fake. Just like being back here in the thrown room listening to Uther, it felt like a memory from the past. Guinevere would never understand what she had gone through, and there was no point trying. In the end she would hurt Guinevere, even if she didn't want to which was why she distended herself as far from her as she could.

She heard Arthur's voice and turned to look at Uther's son. He lounged his chair looking as if he was dying of boredom, but she knew the truth: Camelot meant the world to him. During these meetings he listened closely to the people and Uther's responses, trying to figure out what he would do. Arthur. Arthur who had stayed in her room at nights even when Guinevere could have because he knew she was afraid of the nightmares that would come. They used to know each other so well. He was the one who held her close as she cried over her father's death, and she was the only one who understood how much it hurt him every time Uther turned a blind eye to him. The truth was she loved him. She had denied it to herself for years, and during the year she was with Morgause she had hoped it would fade, but it hadn't. She knew now she could never stop loving him. When he stumbled upon her in the woods and said her name she had felt her heart skip a beat. Ignoring what any of his men thought he had run towards her and hugged her so tightly that her feet lifted off the ground. In that moment she had felt safe again. For once the world was right. Maybe things could go back to the way things were. But once back in the castle she had remembered her purpose. Arthur had told her, "You're save now" and hugged her closely. All she could think of was where were you when I was lost in the darkness? Why didn't you care for me then? Couldn't you see I was drowning and needed you? But instead she had held back the words and hugged him back, for she would never say these thoughts aloud. Morgause wanted her to destroy Uther and would gladly do that. But she hadn't told her sister that destroying Arthur was something she couldn't do. He had been the only one to know the real her, but if he knew who she was now would he still care for her? The answer was no, and it hurt like a knife in the heart. She convinced herself that if Uther died Arthur would be fine; she wouldn't let Morgause hurt Arthur. Arthur would know what she had done and he would hate her but even then she would always love him. He was her greatest loss.

She suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe.

She pushed back her chair and headed towards the door, not bothering to make excuses to Uther or anyone else. Merlin's eyes followed her and she could have sworn she heard the thoughts in his head: traitor, villain, destroyer, evil. 'It's not my fault!' She wanted to scream at him. 'I don't have a choice!' He would never understand. She had thought he was her friend. He had been the only one to know about her magic and when they had been at the druid camp she had felt a real connection. Their bond was dead the moment he poisoned her, and it would never come back. She would never forgive him.

The guards opened the door for her and she didn't even slow down her stride to thank them. She had to get out of there! She headed for the stairway that led to the top of the castle. She felt the walls caving in on her, trapping her inside this cage. She stopped for a second and yanked her shoes off. She held them in one hand, with her dress in the other and ran down the corridor and up the stairs.

Panic filled her.

'Get me out!'

She would never be free from her cage.

Suddenly she was at the top of the tower and pushing open the door. She dropped her shoes and dress and rushed to the railing, gasping as the free air filled her lungs. She closed her eyes and breathed in, letting the wind brush through her hair. If she jumped now she would be free of this cage. She would be free of the lies, the betrayal and all the pain that came with them. She grasped the edge of the balcony, but stopped herself from stepping forward. She wouldn't kill herself; she would go back inside and make her apologies to Uther and continue her lie as if nothing had changed.

She collapsed on the ground and hugged her knees to her chest, letting the tears rush down her face.

She was all alone and locked in a cage she feared she could never escape.


End file.
